Meat: As American As Apple Pie

G-d gave Americans dominion over the Earth. That means we can do as we please and He will smile upon us. G-d also made us superior to all of his tasty little creatures which He conveniently made out of meat. Well, there is one exception, but who eats shellfish? The hamburger He made in a convenient size which fits in one’s hands. And G-d gave us those green things which serve as garnish.

But some hippies and other nutty folk have confused the garnish with the main course: beef, pork or poultry or the occasional fish or dolphin. These folk like to call themselves vegetables or vegans. They hate G-d and His most brilliant creation, human beings (especially the conservatives), and they want to force you to live their ridiculous and unsustainable lifestyle.

These folk would have us treat our dinners as equals. Imagine that! They would have us elevate the lowly animals above humans. They endow animals with human qualities (personification) by projecting their own neuroses on these unthinking, unfeeling meat containers. In fact they go much farther than that. Anything even tangentially related to animals would be banned if these loons were in charge.

You can’t put cheese on your hamburger because the poor cow was forced to give milk that made that yummy slice of American cheese product. But if you’ve ever been on a farm, you know without a doubt that cows look forward to giving milk. It hurts them not to. But militant vegans don’t care about that, do they? It could suffer for all they care as long as humans don’t consume cow’s milk. They don’t care about the poor cow, all they care about is themselves. Selfish to the core.

These weirdos yell and scream and throw buckets of blood at anybody who dares to wear clothing that contains fur or leather, as if going without would bring the dumb animal it came from back to life. Guess what, dummies? It won’t. And who made you the fashion police, you smelly hippies?

Some even think wearing cotton goes too far. It’s unfair to the cotton plants to deprive them of their cotton they worked so hard to produce. And if you wear petroleum based synthetic fibers they and their Code Pinko friends scream “no blood for oil!” You can’t win with these people, so why bother? They won’t be happy until everyone is naked on their commune chewing on a big wad of tofu.

Forget that. Real Americans eat meat, as G-d intended. And they eat apple pies, lots of them. Apple pie isn’t murder, and neither is steak. Pass the A-1, please. And thank Heaven for the tasty animals.

Addendum: Keep in mind that many modern animals raised for food would be unable to survive without mans’ help. So the fact that they taste good with onions benefits them as well as us. It’s win-win for all of us. Keeping animals alive for a time, protected from nasty predators, is an act of compassion, something vegans and PETA-heads know nothing about. Holy cow!

Update: Here’s how one creative scraper site excerpted this article.

Meat: As person As Apple Pie
G-d gave Americans ascendence over the Earth. That effort we crapper do as we supply and He power grinning upon us. G-d also prefabricated us fissure to every of his esthetic small creatures which He conveniently prefabricated conceive of meat. Well, there is member exception, but who eats shellfish? The meat He prefabricated in a convenient …
Read the flooded place from Blogs 4 Brownback

Perhaps something’s wrong with their algorithm?  I won’t link to it, since it’s a worthless scraper site, but is this what the Internet is going to devolve to?  I shudder at the thought.

— Psycheout