No discussion of the War in Iraq can be complete without a mention of the gravest foe our troops face over there: camel spiders. Compared to them, the jihadists and assorted evildoer loonies are a minor inconvenience. Camel spiders are the demons directing the show.
By coming to this website you’re probably wondering “are camel spiders real?”. If you asked yourself those questions, then the answer is yes, but the truth is very different from what may have heard from your friends.
Indeed it is, my misleading moonbat friend. Camel spiders can be roughly as large as medium-sized dogs, can travel at over 20 miles per hour, enjoy disemboweling camels for sustenance, and have been known to eat sleeping or dying men in the desert. Throughout history, any warrior missing in action in Mesopotamia was usually written off as camel spider fodder. That still holds true today.
Don’t believe me? Here’s the testimony of the soldier who took the above photo:
From someone stationed in Baghdad. He was recently bitten by a camel spider which was hiding in his sleeping bag. I thought you’d like to see what a camel spider looks like. It’ll give you a better idea of what our troops are dealing with.
Enclosed is a picture of his friend holding up two spiders. Warning: not for the squeamish! This picture is a perfect example of why you don’t want to go to the desert. These are 2 of the biggest I’ve ever seen. With a vertical leap that would make a pro basketball player weep with envy (they have to be able to jump up on to a camels stomach after all), they latch on and inject you with a local anesthesia so you can’t feel it feeding on you.
They eat flesh, not just suck out your juices like a normal spider. I’m gona be having night mares after seeing this photo!
Camel spiders were frequently used by Saddam Hussein to torture confessions out of the victims of his terrorist regime. The mere mention of these nefarious beasts was often enough to extort a tearful confession from his victims, punctuated by tears and shrieks as they begged for a merciful death rather than exposure to the desert demons. Saddam, whose league with the forces of darkness is common knowledge at this point, as likely as not ordered his Baathist henchmen to disregard such pleas for humanity.
Less is known about the role of camel spiders in the ongoing insurgency of dead-enders. Very likely, though, camel spiders are frequently used in connection with IEDs. These creatures, which crave darkness and shadow and blood like the wholesome rabbit craves carrots and lettuce, are very good at spotting the best place for hiding an object alongside a road. All too often, insurgents could use the presence of camel spiders as a dark omen from Satan that this is an opportune spot to plant a bomb.
Moonbats, of course, will deny many of these facts, as is their wont. But even they concede they know very little about the behavior of these demoniac monstrosities.
The biology, behavior, and ecology of solifuges remain relatively poorly studied, despite the extensive work by Punzo over the past decade and prior work by Muma and others
Of course it’s poorly studied. Despite the proliferation of both camel spiders AND liberals in Perdition, no liberals have returned to discuss the infernal activities of these hideous demons.
One thing remains certain. Our brave soldiers face not only cowardly human enemies in battle, but they also face slinking, lurking, crawling, burrowing demon-nemeses as they sleep. These vicious brutes make the insurgents seem downright honorable in comparison. At least the insurgents will only kill your body. They won’t eat your flesh or try to devour your soul while you sleep. After our victory over our human adversaries in Iraq, our next President would do well to begin an extensive war of annihilation against our in-human foes, the “arachnid” demons who can slice scorpions in half with their fangs and steal a baby from its very cradle.
God help us all. God bless America, and God bless our brave fighting men.