Blogs 4 Brownback

January 25, 2008

Camel Spiders: Saddamite Demons

camel_spider_sm.jpg

No discussion of the War in Iraq can be complete without a mention of the gravest foe our troops face over there: camel spiders. Compared to them, the jihadists and assorted evildoer loonies are a minor inconvenience. Camel spiders are the demons directing the show.

By coming to this website you’re probably wondering “are camel spiders real?”. If you asked yourself those questions, then the answer is yes, but the truth is very different from what may have heard from your friends.

Indeed it is, my misleading moonbat friend. Camel spiders can be roughly as large as medium-sized dogs, can travel at over 20 miles per hour, enjoy disemboweling camels for sustenance, and have been known to eat sleeping or dying men in the desert. Throughout history, any warrior missing in action in Mesopotamia was usually written off as camel spider fodder. That still holds true today.

Don’t believe me? Here’s the testimony of the soldier who took the above photo:

From someone stationed in Baghdad. He was recently bitten by a camel spider which was hiding in his sleeping bag. I thought you’d like to see what a camel spider looks like. It’ll give you a better idea of what our troops are dealing with.

Enclosed is a picture of his friend holding up two spiders. Warning: not for the squeamish! This picture is a perfect example of why you don’t want to go to the desert. These are 2 of the biggest I’ve ever seen. With a vertical leap that would make a pro basketball player weep with envy (they have to be able to jump up on to a camels stomach after all), they latch on and inject you with a local anesthesia so you can’t feel it feeding on you.

They eat flesh, not just suck out your juices like a normal spider. I’m gona be having night mares after seeing this photo!

Camel spiders were frequently used by Saddam Hussein to torture confessions out of the victims of his terrorist regime. The mere mention of these nefarious beasts was often enough to extort a tearful confession from his victims, punctuated by tears and shrieks as they begged for a merciful death rather than exposure to the desert demons. Saddam, whose league with the forces of darkness is common knowledge at this point, as likely as not ordered his Baathist henchmen to disregard such pleas for humanity.

Less is known about the role of camel spiders in the ongoing insurgency of dead-enders. Very likely, though, camel spiders are frequently used in connection with IEDs. These creatures, which crave darkness and shadow and blood like the wholesome rabbit craves carrots and lettuce, are very good at spotting the best place for hiding an object alongside a road. All too often, insurgents could use the presence of camel spiders as a dark omen from Satan that this is an opportune spot to plant a bomb.

Moonbats, of course, will deny many of these facts, as is their wont. But even they concede they know very little about the behavior of these demoniac monstrosities.

The biology, behavior, and ecology of solifuges remain relatively poorly studied, despite the extensive work by Punzo over the past decade and prior work by Muma and others

Of course it’s poorly studied. Despite the proliferation of both camel spiders AND liberals in Perdition, no liberals have returned to discuss the infernal activities of these hideous demons.

One thing remains certain. Our brave soldiers face not only cowardly human enemies in battle, but they also face slinking, lurking, crawling, burrowing demon-nemeses as they sleep. These vicious brutes make the insurgents seem downright honorable in comparison. At least the insurgents will only kill your body. They won’t eat your flesh or try to devour your soul while you sleep. After our victory over our human adversaries in Iraq, our next President would do well to begin an extensive war of annihilation against our in-human foes, the “arachnid” demons who can slice scorpions in half with their fangs and steal a baby from its very cradle.

God help us all. God bless America, and God bless our brave fighting men.

48 Comments »

  1. They look like an incarnation of Lucifer!

    Comment by Maura Ghee — January 25, 2008 @ 2:00 pm | Reply

  2. WARNING! TRUTH INCOMING!

    Comment by Elephant Bones — January 25, 2008 @ 2:02 pm | Reply

  3. “They look like an incarnation of Lucifer!”

    Indeed they are, Maura. Indeed they are.

    Please spare us your links to leftist hoax websites, EB. This is a serious subject.

    Comment by Sisyphus — January 25, 2008 @ 2:10 pm | Reply

  4. Now all we need is Jane Fonda to go over there and do a documentary about the need to save and preserve these beasts just like she did for the Vietcong in Nam.

    Comment by Diablo — January 25, 2008 @ 2:50 pm | Reply

  5. “Please spare us your links to leftist hoax websites, EB.”

    Considering that his site was near the top of my Dogpile search on “camel spiders”, he didn’t try very hard. Or read his article.

    Camel spiders seem like the most degenerate animals in existence. I discussed this article with one of my soldier buddies today, back from Iraq, and he said that the easiest ways to attract their attention are to either bring along a foreign four-legged animal, or ring a doorbell. Considering that their close relative, the scorpion, is very often found near doorbells (coming from experience from Southern CA), his fear doesn’t surprise me a bit. We must smash Iraqi doorbells to lessen the flow before we can take them head on, Sisyphus. A few can easily be dealt with, but considering that most troop deployments are not very large, multitudes can easily swarm upon the troops in seconds.

    Comment by bobcorker — January 25, 2008 @ 3:29 pm | Reply

  6. “Considering that his site was near the top of my Dogpile search on “camel spiders”, he didn’t try very hard.”
    I read that article when it was published, about 3 years ago. Way to be current with the times.

    “Please spare us your links to leftist hoax websites, EB. This is a serious subject.”
    It’s not a hoax site, it’s a hoax debunker site. Snopes takes popular urban legends and chain emails and show which are true or false. Unlike you schmucks, they cite their sources. Reliable sources, not other blogs.

    Comment by Elephant Bones — January 25, 2008 @ 6:04 pm | Reply

  7. If you wont believe snopes which EB linked to, maybe you’ll believe the spiders very own website. http://www.camel-spiders.net/

    Comment by Arn — January 25, 2008 @ 7:56 pm | Reply

  8. “Camel spiders seem like the most degenerate animals in existence.”

    True. They may be even worse than platypusses, apes, and manatees.

    “I discussed this article with one of my soldier buddies today, back from Iraq, and he said that the easiest ways to attract their attention are to either bring along a foreign four-legged animal, or ring a doorbell.”

    Fascinating. Doorbells are dinner bells, to the denizens of Satan’s kingdom.

    “Considering that their close relative, the scorpion, is very often found near doorbells (coming from experience from Southern CA), his fear doesn’t surprise me a bit. We must smash Iraqi doorbells to lessen the flow before we can take them head on, Sisyphus.”

    Obviously, possession of a doorbell should be considered as proof positive of insurgent activity in Iraq. The Iraqis have not yet earned the right to possess doorbells.

    “A few can easily be dealt with, but considering that most troop deployments are not very large, multitudes can easily swarm upon the troops in seconds.”

    That’s why God invented napalm.

    “Unlike you schmucks, they cite their sources. Reliable sources, not other blogs.”

    Yeah, some moonbat Atheist Satanist who worships spiders in a field. Real reliable.

    Comment by Sisyphus — January 25, 2008 @ 8:47 pm | Reply

  9. HA! You neo-cons best hope that this Camel-Spider doesn’t run for president, then. Just think of how much damamge two of these things (one being a running mate or rival) can do to your careers. 😛

    Comment by Tyrenol — January 25, 2008 @ 8:51 pm | Reply

  10. […] towel heads I don’t know why some of you responded negatively to Sisyphus’ post on camel crabs or spiders or whatever.  Oh, yes I do.  You’re libtards.  Rather than believe your lying eyes, you […]

    Pingback by Snopes for Dummies « Blogs 4 Brownback — January 25, 2008 @ 8:56 pm | Reply

  11. Hey idiots, look at the sleeve in the photo.

    Comment by Dio Brando — January 25, 2008 @ 10:11 pm | Reply

  12. “True. They may be even worse than platypusses, apes, and manatees.”

    If you ask me, they are 4th, behind platypusses, apes, and crows. Manatees are certainly degenerate, but they are, thankfully, usually isolated from humans.

    “Fascinating. Doorbells are dinner bells, to the denizens of Satan’s kingdom.”

    Amen!

    “Obviously, possession of a doorbell should be considered as proof positive of insurgent activity in Iraq. The Iraqis have not yet earned the right to possess doorbells.”

    I have yet to see a purpose for the doorbell, but if there is one, the doorbell possessor must have a large amount of demons killed. Saddam Hussein did unspeakable thinks with his son and his son’s pornography thanks to the doorbell.

    “That’s why God invented napalm.”

    Considering that they live in the desert, however, they can withstand the heat better than even Satan. That is why I propose equipping our troops with giant fans, so that if they encounter a spider, it will simply fly away and get a chill.

    Comment by bobcorker — January 25, 2008 @ 10:20 pm | Reply

  13. “That is why I propose equipping our troops with giant fans, so that if they encounter a spider, it will simply fly away and get a chill.”
    Wonderful idea; You can test it.
    “Considering that they live in the desert, however, they can withstand the heat better than even Satan.”
    Napalm burns at about 2,200 Fahrenheit. You could live next to a live volcano, you’re not surviving that level of heat.
    “I have yet to see a purpose for the doorbell”
    And you claim to make over 100k a year? fat chance. Doorbells let people know someone’s at the door, genius.
    “Yeah, some moonbat Atheist Satanist who worships spiders in a field.”
    Care to back up that claim with a little proof, soup-for-brains?

    Comment by The Spy — January 25, 2008 @ 11:32 pm | Reply

  14. I have an idea for Sisyphus, since he was condemned by his sins to spending eternity rolling a boulder up a hill just to watch it roll back down again, we could move his boulder to a hill in Iraq and he can push it up every hill there and see how many spiders it crushes as it rolls back down.

    Comment by Arn — January 26, 2008 @ 8:47 am | Reply

  15. “Good point. Perhaps snow would kill them, too.
    I guess fans are more practical than iceboxes full of snow, though. Either way, our best bet is to figure out a way to freeze Iraq over.”

    Truly an excellent idea, Sisyphus. I think we’ve hit upon a plan on how to control Iraq without troops. This will kill not only the crabs, but also the Muslims. The Muslims, being bound to a strict dress code, will not likely be able to change the Quran in time before we freeze them over, and will therefore be doomed to freeze to death. We don’t even have to go to subzero temperatures; 10 degree weather should be sufficient. The innocent civilians can take refuge in our heated embassy, which we can direct all Iraq’s energy to (other than our military bases and oil fields), expanding the embassy if necessary. Presidents Brownback and Huckabee will surely carry this excellent plan to its limits!

    Comment by Bob_Corker — January 26, 2008 @ 4:23 pm | Reply

  16. As for causing the cold weather, we can simply install giant fan centers. Guided by the LORD, they will be able to chill Iraq without absolutely destroying it.

    Comment by Bob_Corker — January 26, 2008 @ 4:25 pm | Reply

  17. Sisyphus is a myth.
    Comment by Sisyphus

    You’re not just a myth, you’re nonexistent

    Comment by Arn — January 26, 2008 @ 4:30 pm | Reply

  18. “I don’t see your point.”
    He’s referring to your (false) assessment of its size “Camel spiders can be roughly as large as medium-sized dog”
    If you notice the sleeve in the photo, you’ll notice the camel spider is at most 6 inches long. They are not venomous, they don’t eat camels or people, they get their name from living in the same region as camels.

    “I guess fans are more practical than iceboxes full of snow, though. Either way, our best bet is to figure out a way to freeze Iraq over.”
    Are you even listening to what you’re planning? We can’t make a desert region suddenly turn subzero. That’s just insanity.

    Comment by Elephant Bones — January 26, 2008 @ 4:54 pm | Reply

  19. What a completely useless discussion

    Comment by Jim — January 26, 2008 @ 6:13 pm | Reply

  20. “I don’t see your point.”

    HOW [darn] LARGE IS THE SLEEVE IN COMPARISON TO THE [darn] BUG? Look at the hand, too.

    Comment by Dio Brando — January 26, 2008 @ 8:22 pm | Reply

  21. @Sicophanphus

    TROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLL

    Comment by Anonymous — January 26, 2008 @ 9:29 pm | Reply

  22. Wow, apparently someone’s never heard of a HOAX before. Have you tried checking an encyclopedia, or a book about insects?

    Remember, anyone can write anything on the Internet. I could write that the
    Statue of Liberty is made of green cheese if I wanted, and someone out there would believe it. After all, people have already been convinced that Martians invaded the Earth, that a 60-foot man was unearthed in Africa, and that the Moon landings were staged in the Arizona desert, why can’t someone make up giant man-eating spiders?

    Comment by L — January 27, 2008 @ 1:36 pm | Reply

  23. This is now a thread about Project Chanology
    http://www.partyvan.info/index.php/Project_Chanology
    http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/PROJECT_CHANOLOGY
    http://digg.com/programming/Scientology_s_secret_documents_hacked_by_i_s_Splongcat

    This is something we can all work together on. Don’t you want a chance to tear down an enemy religion?

    Comment by Elephant Bones — January 27, 2008 @ 1:49 pm | Reply

  24. “Hey idiots, look at the sleeve in the photo.”

    I don’t see your point.

    “Considering that they live in the desert, however, they can withstand the heat better than even Satan. That is why I propose equipping our troops with giant fans, so that if they encounter a spider, it will simply fly away and get a chill.”

    Good point. Perhaps snow would kill them, too.
    I guess fans are more practical than iceboxes full of snow, though. Either way, our best bet is to figure out a way to freeze Iraq over.
    “I have an idea for Sisyphus, since he was condemned by his sins to spending eternity rolling a boulder up a hill just to watch it roll back down again, we could move his boulder to a hill in Iraq and he can push it up every hill there and see how many spiders it crushes as it rolls back down.”

    Sisyphus is a myth. There’s no way I’m moving to Iraq. I love America too much.

    Comment by Sisyphus — January 27, 2008 @ 2:48 pm | Reply

  25. If Sisyphus is a pagan myth (I am familiar with the story myself), then why did you choose it as your name? After all, you’ve shown an extreme dislike towards ALL other religions.

    ““Hey idiots, look at the sleeve in the photo.”

    I don’t see your point.”

    The point is that they are clearly the same distance from the camera as the sleeve to the far right of the photo. Using that sleeve for scale, one can clearly see that the spiders are only about 4″ long: big for a spider, but nowhere near as big as the flesh-eater rumors would have you believe. And those are full-grown spiders. I recommend you read Snopes. They do a lot of research about urban legends in order to determine which are true and which are false. This story has been proven false by Snopes, as another commenter has clearly demonstrated.

    Comment by L — January 27, 2008 @ 7:23 pm | Reply

  26. Forget it L, they have already decided that Snopes is a hoax site not a hoax debunking site. Face it, once they tell a lie they will never back down from it, that’s really an admirable quality, stand up for what you believe, no matter how stupid it may be.

    Comment by Arn — January 28, 2008 @ 5:29 am | Reply

  27. “Sisyphus is a myth. There’s no way I’m moving to Iraq. I love America too much.”

    Treason by Sisyphus — January 27, 2008 @ 2:48 pm

    You have’nt moved in with your buddy Bin Laden yet?

    Comment by spacebrother — January 28, 2008 @ 11:19 am | Reply

  28. Please spare us your links to leftist hoax websites, EB. This is a serious subject.

    Comment by Sisyphus — January 25, 2008 @ 2:10 pm

    funny you would say that when the link you provided in the post is the same one Arn posted in his comment, and it says the same thing the commenters have been saying, this is all myths, they only get a few inches across at maturity and eat other insects. Kinda like black widows, praying mantis’, wasps, etc.
    So in this post you support your claim with a site that says you’re dead wrong.

    good move

    Comment by FadedRose — January 30, 2008 @ 7:13 am | Reply

  29. “You have’nt moved in with your buddy Bin Laden yet?”

    Bin Laden’s not my buddy, Space Nazi.

    What’s your plan after Ron Paul goosesteps out of the election? Are you heading for Argentina to move in with your buddy Martin Bormann?

    Comment by Sisyphus — January 30, 2008 @ 10:58 am | Reply

  30. “You have’nt moved in with your buddy Bin Laden yet?”

    We were eager to kill Osama Bin Laden. In fact, everyone politically relevant, aside from Ron Paul, even the Democrats, supported that scumbag’s death. Osama’s probably died of kidney failure by now, but the point is that Spamho can’t even get his candidate’s voting records right.

    Comment by bobcorker — January 30, 2008 @ 2:36 pm | Reply

  31. I love how every time someone makes a valid point in the comments here, they’re completely ignored by the mods, but whenever you use derogatory language (e.g. “Why haven’t you moved in with your buddy Bin Laden yet?”) they swarm to it like flies on excrement. It makes this blog so much more entertaining.

    Comment by L — January 31, 2008 @ 8:26 am | Reply

  32. hmmm…. so basically they are telling me that there is a spider in irag that is the size of my dog that can run at 20mph??? well the average speed a person can run at is 17mph so im not sure if i would believe that?? im a visual person si ill believe it when/if i see it….

    Comment by micheala — January 31, 2008 @ 3:06 pm | Reply

  33. hmmm…. so basically they are telling me that there is a spider in iraq that is the size of my dog that can run at 20mph??? well the average speed a person can run at is 17mph so im not sure if i would believe that?? im a visual person si ill believe it when/if i see it….

    Comment by micheala — January 31, 2008 @ 3:07 pm | Reply

  34. hey umm yea these thangs are so cool i would love to cacth one and kill it then keep having them as a calletion and then umm yea and show all my friends and teachers what they dont know and have not seen befor i would love to see the look on the yface when i show them the spider and umm yea i wish i could do thAT BUT THERE LIFE AND I ANIT BOUT TO RISK IT FOR A WISH…..

    Comment by tarosa — May 15, 2008 @ 7:01 pm | Reply

  35. all i have to say is: based on Wikipedia.org, you are a little bit wrong. A line from Wikipedia.org: “As indicated by the origin of their name, Solifugae are mostly nocturnal, and seek shade during the day. It was this behaviour which led coalition soldiers in the 2003 invasion of Iraq to think these arachnids were attacking them. In reality, they were merely moving toward the newly available shade provided by the soldiers’ presence. The absence of shade sends them away.” well, good luck to the comrades out there, come home soon.😉

    Comment by dang — April 2, 2009 @ 10:17 pm | Reply

  36. It’s a spider, not a demon.

    They are quite different.

    Comment by idascumon — April 28, 2009 @ 3:23 pm | Reply

  37. Wow this blog is truly fucking pathetic.

    Comment by ximix — July 10, 2009 @ 4:00 pm | Reply

  38. Why do people not believe these things are real?
    i live in the Las Vegas desert area and these things are everywhere.
    and what the picture is showing is a close up if you havent realized. you can see his hand right up close holding them.
    they also have other names out here in the desert.
    they call them sun spiders.
    or they get a name of “Vinegaroon” as when you have been bitten some people have a reasction of actually having the taste of vinegar for a short period of time.
    if youd like i could even take a photograph at night and take a picture of these things killing and eating all the other little insects around the house.

    Comment by Andrew — August 14, 2009 @ 4:29 pm | Reply

    • correction to the last comment.
      forgot to add that they have been mistaken as vinegaroons. not actually ARE vinegaroons. =]

      Comment by Andrew — August 14, 2009 @ 4:41 pm | Reply

  39. Soooooo NOT TRUE! These spiders are harmless to humans AND camels. Duh!

    http://www.encyclopedia.com/video/NXbwi1XFPXo-camel-spider.aspx

    Comment by M R Russell — January 23, 2010 @ 3:39 pm | Reply

  40. your a fucking idiot

    Comment by CE2 Downs — July 18, 2010 @ 1:01 pm | Reply

  41. you are all idiots…. these “camel spiders ” as you call them are part of a family of vertibrates called solpugid. they are more closely related to scorpions then spiders and are not as big as any dog small or otherwise.

    Comment by ravenfox — July 20, 2010 @ 10:38 pm | Reply

  42. oh and they are not venomous. they kill lisards mice and other small prey by biting them.

    Comment by ravenfox — July 20, 2010 @ 10:41 pm | Reply

  43. wrong.

    Camel spiders can be roughly as large as medium-sized dogs, (Not true. The ones seen in the picture are as large as they get)
    can travel at over 20 miles per hour,(Wrong, they only travel at 10 MPH, which is still fast, but they are only chasing you for the shade you provide.
    enjoy disemboweling camels for sustenance, (WRONG.)
    And have been known to eat sleeping or dying men in the desert. Name ONE instance of this…
    Throughout history, any warrior missing in action in Mesopotamia was usually written off as camel spider fodder. That still holds true today. Bullshit. These bugs are not even spiders, and they do NOT eat people.

    Comment by Zira — September 17, 2010 @ 10:36 pm | Reply

  44. These comments are hilarious. Snopes dubbed a “leftist hoax website?”

    If it weren’t so sad, the kind of people who put their hands over their ears and run from facts because they make ’em look stupid would be amusing. Unfortunately, it’s not amusing.
    You also have to love someone who says another’s “buddy” is “Bin Laden” because that person wasn’t a right-winger. That clearly took a lot of brain power.

    Comment by Ian Anderson — September 27, 2010 @ 3:10 pm | Reply

  45. The myth circulating about their size, such as the they can grow as large as dinner plates, never disappear because of the infamous hoax image showing two camel spiders tied together. Here’s more of the truth: http://www.camelspider.org

    Comment by michael012 — January 4, 2012 @ 2:29 am | Reply

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