I got a ticket yesterday for something so stupid I hesitate to even share it with you. The degenerate liberal scumbags who constitute the Town Elders of this wretched New England village are undoubtedly pleased that my hard-earned cash is going into the coffers to finance their next orgy, but I can assure you that I am not amused. Neither is God, who will smite these wrongdoers in His righteous fury when the time is at hand.
I can understand ticketing cars for carrying socially irresponsible messages, such as drug slogans or Bernie Sanders stickers or those idiotic “W” crossed out things, but what I did shouldn’t even be a crime. I was parked in front of a fire hydrant. That’s it. Apparently, you’re not supposed to do that in this idiotic town. The rationale is that fire trucks need to get at the hydrants in the event of a fire, so that they can spray down the buildings and save the person’s home.
I can understand that system completely. What I don’t understand is allowing the city to siphon money out of the wallets of those who violate these silly edicts. This is a free country, with a free, capitalist economy. The way it should work is that residents of the area should check my license plate, call a private information-gathering service to acquire my name and telephone number (for some purely nominal fee), then call me up and ask me to move my car. If the offered price merits a move, I will cheerfully move my car immediately after receipt of payment. Then, should a fire occur, the privately-owned fire department will arrive and hose down any residences in the neighborhood carrying a sticker indicating they have paid the necessary fire prevention fees. If the fire comes, and my car is still parked there, the firefighters should steal it and move it. They should then pay me for the damage to my vehicle, reimbursing themselves out of the pocket of the person whose home they’ve just saved.
This system is substantially better than one involving government. The investment opportunities it presents are nearly unlimited. Moreover, it will stimulate the economy by requiring greater capital expenditures on the part of all parties. Any inequities in the system will quickly be corrected by the invisible hand of the market, which is wont to speedily amend all economic wrongs. Best of all, no more parking tickets. No more parking meters, except those controlled by private investors. No more tows for parking in front of privately-owned fire hydrants.
Obviously, my system may have a kink or two, but on the whole I think it would work just fine. I think I’m going to send it in to this city along with the ticket money they’ve extorted from me. I don’t expect the degenerate moonbats to act on it, but they can’t say they haven’t been presented with the ideas. What do you think?