Like most good Americans I was unable to watch the ABC GOP Debate this morning. Obviously I was in church and we had a pot-luck picnic scheduled. It was a beautiful day here and the food was fabulous, as expected. Those of you who have had Hilda’s Swedish Meatballs and her heavenly cheesecake know what I’m talking about.
As I spoke to my fellow church-goers (who have no idea that I am a contributor to Blogs 4 Brownback, one of the most important political sites on the Internet), I found that there was a lot of excitement about the Brownback campaign. There was a positive Brownback buzz in the air, if you will. Everybody loves Brownback around here.
The people I go to church with are very smart and politically savvy people. It was a pleasant surprise that they, like me, recognize a principled conservative Republican when they see one.
Although I, like many of you, missed the debate because it took place on G-d’s day, thankfully YouTube was there. I guess ABC didn’t want good Christian Republicans to see Sam Brownback in action. B4B shall rectify this right now.
Those who are interested can see the 90 minute debate (in nine 10 minute segments) and relevant commentary after the jump.
See also: An Honest Assessment of the ABC GOP Debate over at Daily Kos, of all places.
NOTE: I will be updating this post throughout the night as I watch the debate. I hope you’ll join with me. I will note my observations as I watch each individual segment. Each of these are 10 minute segments, so let’s get going!
Without further ado, roll the tape for part 1….
Right off the bat, George Stephanopolous (sp?) chose to attack Sam Brownback. And Sam totally shredded it. It was delicious to watch him in action.
The question was about these so-called “robocalls,” which expose Willard “Mittens” Romney as the pro-abortion candidate that he is. Sam responded by calling the ads “truthful” and he certainly had Mittens on the run in his response. Sam is in a groove.
In his rebuttal to Mitt’s nonsense Sam cites YouTube, saying that anyone can go there to see Mitt’s pro-abortion statements for themselves (score one for Sam). Mitt is heard in the crosstalk protesting about it not being an objective source or some such garbage. Mitt: it’s you, your voice, your visage, your words. You own your pro-abortion stance. Don’t try to fool America. Romney attempts to talk over Sam and smiles a lot while he does so, but without a question, this RINO is gored in the exchange.
Next is a wonderful presentation by Slick Romney who backpedals from criticism of Giuliani (shown on tape). His phoney patented smirk is gone as he stutters and babbles incoherently. You’ve just got to see it.
Next Giuliani basically says I’m pro-abortion and proud of it. Way to go! Way to support murder in the womb. Now that’s principled!
Then there’s a question for Tommy Thompson. You could hear a pin drop, if only the crickets weren’t so loud. It sounds like Tommy is running for the head of HHS.
Next a question for McCain. But I couldn’t hear what it was about over the loud snoring in the audience. Maybe there was an audio problem. But who cares? I did hear McLame trying to do a “whole life” riff by mentioning the Congo, but it was phonier than a three dollar bill.
Notable: Throughout this entire segment all, but Tommy Thompson (who’s running for HHS head) tried to stress how pro-life they were, trying to outdo Senator Brownback. They failed. Sam is also “whole life.” The other candidates are all poseurs in comparison. The best part of this segment is that Truther Ron Paul didn’t say a word. For that we all can be very thankful.
Winner: Sam Brownback.
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On to part 2. In 3, 2, 1….
This starts out with McCain. This is known as an intermission. Most of the audience was out buying milk duds.
Next Ru Paul is given his big moment to advocate cut and running from Iraq. The terrorists in the audience erupted into applause. Apparently Cindy Sheehan and Charlie Sheen are Paul’s speechwriters. Korea, VietNam, Iraq, they’re all the same to Ronnie Pauly. Amazing. He goes so far as to insult the troops. Thankfully those with sanity booed this bozo.
Following that sickening display was Duncan “donuts” Hunter. Fast forward. Then Mike Huckleberry: I hate Saudi Arabia. Spin on.
4:15 – Sam Brownback. He praises the troops and offers a political “three state” solution. Smart and strong, as always. Lots of applause given for the Brownback way.
McLame again, who seems to be falling asleep, stutters pathetically while supporting the surge. Tell me another story, grandpa. His hearing aid doesn’t seem to work and crazy McCain rambles on about Iraqi soccer, but it doesn’t matter much because next up is…
“America’s crossdressing Mayor,” Ruby Giuliani, who wants nothing more than to talk about 9/11, because he’s got nothing else to run on. He wants to win, which is great, but seems to have no idea how.
Finally, Romney demonstrates he’s part of the Rudy McRomney triumvirate by smiling, looking pretty in his makeup and saying the exact same thing: we’ve got to win, but I have no idea how. He gets applause for attacking Obama, but doesn’t have any ideas of his own. He says”surge” more times than I could count. What a dummy.
At the end Tom Tancredo wets his pants because he hasn’t had a chance yet to tell us about the evil immigrants. Mr. one-issue, your time is now!
Notable: Only Sam Brownback states a strategy for a solution of the Iraq war. Everyone else says we’ve got to win (which is correct) but seem to have no idea how. Want four more years of slow progress, vote Rudy McRomney. Want success now? Think Brownback.
Winner: Sam Brownback.
* * * * * * * * * *
Onwards to part 3:
Now it’s Tom’s turn. And The Tanc tanks. Talking point: Rules of Engagement. Tommy Thompson is next. And wow, that was boring! Other than sounding like a moonbat who loves to bash Bush and doesn’t have the wallet to pay for freedom around the word, it was, uh, erm, zzzzzz. Huh, disagrees with a political solution for Iraq? Bye Tommy. It’s time for you to go now.
Ron Paul next tells us about the pod and the flash and how 9/11 was an inside job. He goes on to praise al Qaeda, and says there were no WMD, except for the ones we found. Blah blah blah. During this speech, his nutjob fanbase rushes to the online polls to declare him the winner. To his credit Romney asks Ronnie, who ignores him, if he’s fogotten about 9/11. One point to Mittens.
Now John McCain gets a chance to lull the audience to sleep while touting himself as a maverick. In the process he steals President Bush’s line about being judged by history after he’s dead. It was a mesmerizing performance.
Next up is Domestic issues: health care. Spin on. Huckabee gets to answer a question about cigarette taxes. Same question to Tommy Thompson. This is his favorite issue. The audience snores in approval as Tommy does his best Hillary Clinton for socialized medicine impression. He steps on Tancredo’s bloviation time. Nobody seems to mind. Fast forward, really fast.
The Tanc says you’re on your own. He’s building up to his one and only signature issue: an anti-immigration rant. Lord, give me strength. Aha, “illegal aliens r stealing ur health care savings accounts, d00dz!” Well done, Tanker Sore.
Sadly Rudy “twinkletoes” Giuliani is warming up in the RINO bullpen. The question on everyone’s mind: will it be a one piece or a two piece bathing suit.
Notable: Extreme mind-numbing boredom. I’d welcome a question from the talking snowman at this point.
Recommendation: Skip unless you enjoy root canals. I’m suffering for you, people. Don’t say that B4B doesn’t go the extra mile. We should get a Pulitzer for this.
Winner: Romney with one point for calling out Truther Ron Paul.
Loser: The audience.
Greener pastures? I can only hope. It’s time for part 4:
I am relieved that a substitution is called. Unfortunately it is Willard Romney and his hair. My mind wanders to a story I heard as a child. Such sweet memories. Meanwhile Flipper drones on. Visions of RomneyCare (HezbollahCare) dance through my head. Green light. The poor don’t pay enough taxes. Did I turn off the stove? What’s that smell? Is the iron on? Is my refrigerator running? I better go catch it.
As noted transvestive and obvious RINO Rudy Giuliani finally steps up to bat and begins to spout his meaningless drivel I notice, to my surprise, that my face is wet. What is wrong with my eyes? Why am I subjecting myself to this? Rudy as Ethel Murman belts out a show tune about RudyCare. The paint peels off the walls. After a brief coma, I realize that someone who does not wear a dress is speaking.
To my horror (or is it relief) it is Duncan Donuts who also mercilessly says a lot of words that are best ignored. Something about taking minors across state lines. The pain is palpable at this point. A choice between pain and relief. Head spinning now, I’m not sure which is the right choice. The podiums look like blue toilet paper tubes with stars on them. A fly buzzes in the corner, a samurai sword at the ready. The red queen tells Alice that there’s no place like Kansas. A song by Toto plays in my head: “Suicide is painless.”
Finally Sam Brownback snaps me back to reality with 7:34 to go. Save me, Sam. His line about market forces brings the audience to its feet in a round of applause. At long last. That line is my lifeline. He has pulled me back from the brink. All too soon it’s over.
Tommy Thompson. An Osama Obama clip. A brain anyuerism. Colors. Cold, so very cold. Once again I wonder: why am I here? Or wait, it’s Mittens again. Or is it Rudy? They’re the same to me at this point. Head hurts. Rudy waffles. -1. Now Mittens.
I’m at the halfway mark. I’m done. To be continued.
NOTE: The next segment’s commentary will be up shortly.