The Funniest Thing Ever Written

Sometimes the daily news and politics can get one down. And that’s not good. Once in awhile we need to clear our minds and pep things up with some good old fashioned belly laughs. And I have found by far the funniest thing ever written, bar none. This will really cheer you folks up and banish those Tuesday blues. I guarantee it.

CAUTION: Be sure you’re not drinking anything or it’ll end up all over your monitor and keyboard or spraying out your nose. You have been warned.

So without further ado, I give you Town Hall’s very own Mary Grabar (or is it Clown Hall?), who does some spectacular standup.

Osama bin Laden was cornered by U.S. forces in his cave. He was reported to have been surrounded by 17 virgins whom he blew up along with himself, while shouting “Allahu, Akbar!”

In response, massive rallies were held in Washington.

Oh, mercy me! But there’s more!

In front of the Capitol, Cindy Sheehan addressed the crowd through a megaphone: “Did we really need over 3,000 deaths to make this happen? We could have sent cupcakes with sprinkles over to show our goodwill. Who knows? Osama could still be alive. We know that bullies are bullies because they haven’t been shown enough love. WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER!”

The ACLU sent a statement about the U.S. government’s lack of due process.

Oh, snap! I think I just broke my funny bone! I may never laugh so hard again. This woman is brilliant!

An effigy of General Petreaus was burned by protestors who wore Islamic garb and prisoner garb in sympathy with their brethren while singing, “We are the world.”

So true!

One young woman carrying a sign that read, “Bombs can kill terrorists, but only love can kill terrorism,” said, “Well, so what? They’ve captured one man. So does this mean the end to terrorism?”

Sounds like someone I know!

” Yeah,” said her companion, a young man in dreadlocks, “I mean, this is only one guy. So he’s made some bad choices. Is that any reason to put his body on national television? I mean, he has a right to privacy too, man.”

Bwahahahaha!

A bearded man in a purple sequined tutu then jumped in: “Yeah, and at what expense? We’ve lost all our civil liberties. Bob and I can’t even get married.”

Oh noes!

A sixty-ish grizzled man in a tie-dye t-shirt waved his fists and shouted, “We ended the Vietnam War and we will end this one too!”

No blood for oil!

I feel so much better now! That was too much. Go read the whole thing, if you need more. But I’m not responsible if your sides split.

Now go take on the day.

– Psycheout

HELLO!!!

HELLO BROWNABCKRES!!! I AM JA K FREMONT I HATE HOMOS AND COMMIES AND MOONBAYTS!! I LIKE TO DRINK!!!

VOTE BROWNASCK!!! VOTE BROWNAKC!!! VOTE BROWNABCK!!!!

What’s the Matter with Kansas?

This nearly flew under my radar. Thank G-d there’s Race 4 2008. They have a list of Presidential campaign contributions from the great state of Kansas. Let’s take a look:

Sam Brownback, R, $297,436
Rudy Giuliani, R, $96,450
Mitt Romney, R, $78,150
[...]
Dennis Kucinich, D, $200
John Cox, R, $5

Who on Earth would give money to Dennis Kook-spinach? And, aside from the obvious, “President Cox?” Didn’t we already have a President Clinton?

See also: Look in our sidebar for links to Exclusive B4B Coverage of all the GOP candidates. We tell the truth so you don’t have to!

– Psycheout

Mitt Romney: Covergirl?

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the prettiest one of all? Move over Breck Girl, with your cute $1300 haircut. Macho-man Mitt needs some room in front of the makeup mirror, so scooch over. He’s got a hot date with those picky GOP primary voters and he wants to look and feel his very best. Because if he doesn’t look and feel fresh, people might actually examine his record instead of swooning over the Taxachusetts hunk, with his perfect hair and boyish face.

So what’s this all about? Why, GOP heartthrob Mitt Romney’s getting a makeover, of course! How fun! Let’s get some of the juicy details:

Well, “communications consulting” is how presidential candidate Mitt Romney recorded $300 in payments to a California company that describes itself as “a mobile beauty team for hair, makeup and men’s grooming and spa services.”

Oh, do tell. Tell us more, Stacey.

“He’s already tan,” she said. “We basically put a drop of foundation on him … and we powdered him a little bit.”

Oh, isn’t that precious? Isn’t that sweet? Isn’t that fun? Now that’s what we need in a President: a guy who only needs a little foundation and just a smidgen of pretty powder. At least it won’t take him hours for him to put on his face before he tells the terrorists he means business. If they don’t comply, he can always give them a mean ol’ pinch.

Personally, I don’t know why he bothers. Willard “Mittens” Romney is cute as a button, just the way he is. And that’s why we like him.

Update: Can’t get enough of Mitt?  There’s so much more!

– Psycheout

Mitt-amorphasis?

I’ve already taken a stand against the pollution of the English language, so I’m a little torn about this. But I’ll let you make up your own mind.

The Brownback for President Campaign announced today it is officially proposing a new word be added to Webster’s Dictionary: “Mitt-amorphasis.”

Hmmm, I hate to be critical already, but I think the proper spelling would be “Mitt-amorphosis.” But let’s move on to the definition.

1. (v) A self-directed and self-contradictory cyclical process, occurring in even-numbered years, by which a Massachusetts politician transforms at will.

2. (v) The evolutionary process by which a member of the species homosapiens becomes a dolphin.

3. (v) The synchronized revolution at any given point in time consistent with the changing political winds

Not bad, but I take exception to usage example 3:

3. The mitt-amorphasizing agent caused the politician to grow gills and flippers.

Ah yes, but “Flipper” was a bottlenose dolphin and I thought these creatures had lungs, not gills. I’ll leave it up to B4B Science Correspondent Sisyphus to verify this. I’m just going by what I remember from school. I may have heard this in public school. If so, the information is likely suspect.

The antonyms are listed as: consistent, principled. This would suggest that Senator Brownback is the opposite of Mitt-amorphasis (obviously the antithesis of Mitt Romney), but it’s a little confusing since the proposed word appears to be a noun verb, so how can the antonym be an adjective?

Perhaps they’re just in the brainstorming phase. It’s a good idea, but I think it needs some work before being submitted for addition to the dictionary.

Fortunately, as President, Sam won’t be spending much time devising new words, but he will be charting a new way forward. And that’s what really matters.

Update: I should read a little closer. I wrote noun when the definition clearly shows verb. Still it doesn’t change the basic point, which I think is correct.

Update 2: Perhaps Mitt-amorphosis was already taken.

Update 3: I just want to make clear that I think honesty is the best policy. If I think a campaign move or a policy is ill-advised, I’ll say so. I think this was a silly move by the Brownback campaign although its significance is near zero; the negative effect is nil. This was an official press release for G-d’s sake!

In case anyone from the campaign is reading this (and we know that you are), please please please vet your press releases more carefully. This was a silly and unnecessary thing to do. We at B4B want nothing more than for Sam Brownback, the honorable Senator from Kansas, to get the GOP nomination and we hate to see any missteps, however small. Otherwise, keep up the great work. We’re pulling for you!

– Psycheout

Wednesday Open Thread

Do bloggers like to have open threads because they care what their readers think, or do they do it when they don’t have enough time to write an actual post?  Discuss.

On a completely unrelated note, my work schedule will be increasing substantially next week.  Daily morning posting may become difficult, if not impossible.  I don’t know where Psycheout went, but this can’t wait for him.  We need someone to take on the slack for the Brownback campaign.  This blog is an integral cog in the Brownback Presidential machine.  It can’t go to waste, or the repercussions to the campaign could be severe. 

Anyone who wants a chance to become a blogger here, please send me an email at the address provided you-know-where.  Please list your screen name, why you hate liberals, and why you want to blog for Senator Brownback. 

 Thanks! 

A Funny Joke Website I Found

If you need a few laughs today, you should definitely check out this website.  It purports to explain how refirgerators work!

The compressor compresses the refrigerant gas. This raises the refrigerant’s pressure and temperature (orange), so the heat-exchanging coils outside the refrigerator allow the refrigerant to dissipate the heat of pressurization.

As it cools, the refrigerant condenses into liquid form (purple) and flows through the expansion valve.

When it flows through the expansion valve, the liquid refrigerant is allowed to move from a high-pressure zone to a low-pressure zone, so it expands and evaporates (light blue). In evaporating, it absorbs heat, making it cold.

The coils inside the refrigerator allow the refrigerant to absorb heat, making the inside of the refrigerator cold. The cycle then repeats.

Ridiculous. Everyone knows that appliances work because God allows them to work. The article even admits it, winking at the audience and letting them know it’s all a joke instead of some whacked-out moonbat insanity, by stating at a different point,

The refrigerator is one of those miracles of modern living that totally changes life. Prior to refrigeration, the only way to preserve meat was to salt it, and iced beverages in the summer were a real luxury.

That’s exactly right. Refrigerators, like all appliances, are miracles. Their functioning and mechanics are a matter of divinely-inspired guesswork. Scientists and other know-it-all treefrog types can bluster and pretend to understand the processes involved, but the bottom line is, they’re miraculous. Only God can understand such a thing.

Don’t believe me? Go look up the word “miracle.”

A miracle is defined by Merriam-Webster (1997) as “an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs.”

Though the term “miracle” can often be heard from Christians and non-Christians alike, the entire Bible only contains one genuine reference to “miracle” and that was a quote of a non-believer (the Pharaoh) in Exodus 7:9 (RSV): “When Pharaoh says to you, ‘Prove yourselves by working a miracle,’ then you shall say to Aaron, ‘Take your rod and cast it down before Pharaoh, that it may become a serpent.’”

Under Christianity and Judaism, God is truth and a miracle is nothing more than a “sign” of the truth. “Miracle” is the non-believer’s term for what believers properly describe as a “sign”, a term that does appear repeatedly in the Bible.

A purely scientific definition of a miracle is this: a net decrease in entropy. It follows from this definition that the greatest miracle would be the conversion of decaying matter to human life, as in the Resurrection.

There you have it. Your refrigerator is a miracle. God makes our modern appliances work in order to direct us to His truth. But, blinded as we are by Helioleftism, Darwinism, and the repairman industry, most of us refuse to turn our wills over to His direction. As such, He must periodically cause our appliances to fail, in order to test our faith. We are weighed in the balance, and sadly, all too often we are found lacking.

Now I’m getting down. Anyway, you should read that article. It’s a hilarious example of a conservative pretending to be an idiot moonbat trying to explain how things work that he can never hope to understand. I can’t stop cracking up every time I read it!

Kossacks and I Finally Agree on Something

Heh.

This may qualify as the worst excuse ever by a presidential candidate:

Tommy Thompson cited a dead hearing aid and an urgent need to use the bathroom in explaining on Saturday why he said at a GOP presidential debate that an employer should be allowed to fire a gay worker. [...]

“I was very sick the day of the debate. I had all of the problems with the flu and bronchitis that you have, including running to the bathroom. I was just hanging on. I could not wait until the debate got off so I could go to the bathroom.”

Leaving aside his total lack of dignity and the apparent need to share way too much information, does anyone really want this man’s finger on the button?

I agree with the analysis here. But what’s really funny about this is watching the Democrats turn on the RINOs who might be their best chance to get some of their agenda passed.

Michelle Malkin Shakes the Democrats Up

The lovely Michelle Malkin cheerleads the Defeatocrats into their proper role. Losers, the lot of them.

UPDATE: Sheer idiocy.

UPDATE II: Even more idiocy. The comments are not for the weak of stomach.

On a Lighter Note…

I just found some fantastic political cartoons. If you have a moment, they merit your perusal.

Michael Ramirez is a genius.

PFAW Stands Up and Takes Notice of Sam Brownback

Even the far-left smear merchants at People for the American Way, under the guise of Right Wing Watch, can’t help but express their admiration for Sam Brownback.

….but considering that the Right is unimpressed by the current crop of GOP presidential hopefuls and that his primary concern right now is how to gather support his long-shot presidential bid, there is an obvious temptation for him to try and carve out a niche as the Right’s standard-bearer, which is exactly what he appears to be doing….

Furthermore:

…President Bush has just handed Brownback an opportunity to rally the right-wing supporters that his campaign so desperately needs.

To this I can only add: Go Sam Go!

– Psycheout